Tag Archives: Gun rights

Gorilla Sales Skyrocket After Latest Gorilla Attack!

Excellent article from The Onion on Gun Gorilla Violence and the related debate about controlling gun gorilla ownership across the country.

gorillas

News • animals • News • ISSUE 49•02 • Jan 10, 2013

Statistics show sales of gorillas often spike sharply in the immediate aftermath of a major gorilla attack.

SAN DIEGO—Following the events of last week, in which a crazed western lowland gorilla ruthlessly murdered 21 people in a local shopping plaza after escaping from the San Diego Zoo, sources across the country confirmed Thursday that national gorilla sales have since skyrocketed.

“After seeing yet another deranged gorilla just burst into a public place and start killing people, I decided I need to make sure something like that never happens to me,” said 34-year-old Atlanta resident Nick Keller, shortly after purchasing a 350-pound mountain gorilla from his local gorilla store. “It just gives me peace of mind knowing that if I’m ever in that situation, I won’t have to just watch helplessly as my torso is ripped in half and my face is chewed off. I’ll be able to use my gorilla to defend myself.”

“Law enforcement and animal control can only get there so quickly,” Keller added. “And you never know when you’ll need to use a gorilla to save your life.”

Reports confirmed that gorilla sales have historically risen sharply in the immediate aftermath of a major gorilla attack, most notably after the 2010 tragedy in the small town of Logan, NM, where 14 people, including two 5-year-old children and a 92-year-old woman, were viciously beaten to death by a 12-year-old gorilla who spontaneously attacked patrons of a crowded grocery store.

The latest attack marked the fifth of its kind in the United States within the last six months and has reignited the explosive national debate over gorilla control, with thousands of outraged Americans reportedly demanding that their government representatives act immediately in order to prevent further bloodshed.

“We’ve had to deal with too many gorilla-related tragedies, and we’ve had to bury too many innocent, feces-covered victims,” said Nicole Simmons, president of the Mothers Against Gorillas coalition, who herself lost her 16-year-old son in the infamous Baker High School gorilla rampage of 1997. “It’s time to put an end to this. We need to get gorillas off the streets once and for all. Enough is enough.”

“The answer to this systemic problem is not more gorillas,” Simmons continued, her eyes welling with tears. “The answer is fewer gorillas.”

As evidence, Simmons pointed to a 2011 University of Maryland study, which found that 98 percent of Americans who own a gorilla have never used them for defense against a home invasion. Simmons also cited widely reported studies confirming that people who keep gorillas in the home are 12 times more likely to have their arms torn off, and children in those households are 19 times more likely to be picked up by the legs and bashed repeatedly into the ground.

Furthermore, many gorilla control advocates have reportedly called for statewide limits to the number of gorillas one can purchase and a federal ban on the ownership of silverbacks, referencing as an example the tight gorilla laws in countries such as Japan, England, and Australia, where the annual rate of gorilla crimes is virtually nonexistent.

“There is absolutely no reason—not for hunting, protection, or otherwise—that an ordinary citizen would need to possess a 600-pound silverback,” said Sen. Robert Menendez (D-NJ), one of the most outspoken gorilla control advocates in Congress. “The general public frankly has no business owning apes of this size, and the only people who do are zookeepers who are trained to properly handle them. Otherwise, they are nothing but a threat to society and only serve to perpetuate more violence.”

Opponents to gorilla control legislation, however, appear to be fervent in their defense of their gorilla possession rights. A spokesperson for the powerful yet controversial national gorilla lobby told reporters that a ban on gorillas would not end incidents such as that in San Diego, as those who want the large primates could simply buy them from illegal dealers who smuggle them into the country from the jungles of sub-Saharan Africa.

Many gorilla owners also told sources that the creatures are primarily used for legal hunting purposes and that the overwhelming majority of gorilla enthusiasts are completely responsible with their apes.

“Listen, it’s my God-given right as an American to have the freedom to own a gorilla to protect myself and my family,” said Nashua, NH resident James Harrington, 46, adding that he personally owns 12 different gorillas of various sizes, but keeps them “safely locked away in [his] home.” “And the government has another thing coming if they think they can come into my house and take away my gorillas.”

“What happened in San Diego was horrible, but that doesn’t mean all gorillas are bad,” Harrington added. “In fact, if every person at that mall had a gorilla, then the tragedy probably never would have even happened in the first place.”

At press time, following the increase in national gorilla sales, four isolated gorilla attacks had just been reported across the country, with the overall civilian death toll currently estimated at 37.

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Happiness is a Warm Gun

John Burt - Happiness is a Warm Gun.docx

Rep. Burt demonstrating why its important to carry guns at the state house.

In a gallant show of concern for over-run PC-style sympathies at the state capital, House Representative John Burt (R, Goffstown) states that flying the state house flag  at half-mast in respect of the children lost in the Newtown CT tragedy is another example of the politically correct (otherwise known as sensitive, caring and considerate) folks have gone too far this time.

As Susan the Bruce points out quite clearly, Burt knows how and when to show sympathy and concern for children by voting against extending mental health care services for children and voting against the anti-bullying law as well.

Good show Burt!  Burt explains that he’s concerned  too and thinks its time to arm teachers with guns. Total genius we say, because killing kids has shown to be such a good solution in the past, why not turn schools into an all-out war zone?  Teachers have got a bad rap in our society that’s for sure and as recent history tells us there’s no better solution for frustration than a warm gun.

In fact, as William Tucker of Miscellany Blue tells us Burt also recently announced that he believes laws are made for breakin’ and that’s just what he’ll do, as in carrying his weaponry where ever he pleases, whether forbid by law or not.  Because well, nothing should ever get between Burt’s itchy trigger finger and a short shaft, not even public safety or common sense.

We encourage everyone to let Burt know what they think of a legislator empowered with making laws , disrespecting the laws already written.  Here’s his contact information as posted on the NH state representative’s roster:

Representative John Burt,
7 Bay Street, Goffstown NH 03045-2634
Phone: (603)-624-5084
Emailjohn.burt@leg.state.nh.us

Mr. Burt apparently has a website of his own, but you’ll have to look that up yourself, we aren’t into promoting stupid up here in these parts.

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Jersey Man Pulls Out Gun on Patrons Waiting for Rationed Gasoline

So by now everyone has heard of the long lines and the rationing of fuel in the Sandy-stricken New Jersey and Chris Christie’s mandate that everyone share and be nice and a few rules thrown in for the rubes that we must all suffer, to make things work as much as possible in the situation.

Then as always, we have this as reported by CBS News:

Sean Bailey, NY man, arrested after pulling gun in gas station line

(CBS/AP) NEW YORK – Authorities said a 35-year-old motorist was arrested early Thursday for cutting in line at a gas station in New York and pointing a pistol at another motorist who complained.

District Attorney Richard Brown said Sean Bailey was charged with menacing and criminal possession of a weapon for pulling a gun at a Queens gas station. If convicted, Bailey could face up to 15 years in prison.

Damage from the storm has forced many gas stations to close and has disrupted fuel deliveries, causing long lines at the gas stations that remained open.

But, if we take the Libertarian/pro gun, get what you can while can and yeah GUNS way of looking at things, the potential combination of desperation, selfishness and poor judgment seem to show that possibly allowing people to arm themselves whenever and where ever they like isn’t such a good idea.

Which of course is why we have such a concept as ‘gun control’ because the rational among us know that all of us humans, when under particularly stressors tend to not act too rationally.  Couple that with lethal fire power and things get pretty bad pretty quickly.

Now no one can doubt that this jerk pulling a gun not only in front of someone, but in an area where there exist large quantities of highly flammable liquid, obviously wasn’t firing on all cylinders.  But we also know that too many among us humans seem to permanently lack smoothly functional machinery in the cranium.  Hence, in a most simple way, one can say that packing heat anywhere you like, by anyone who bothers, maybe isn’t such a hot idea and really has very little to do with freedom or liberty.

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