We have before us yet another tortuously boring production from the FSP. First off we hear from a guy with a beard and a pony tail (awfully hippie for an anarcho-capitalist) talk about Burning Porc, apparently an effort that started a few years ago, but died off, which of course means its time to revive it, because there’s nothing like a sucky idea the second time around right? The speaker asks, “Why Burning Porc?” which is really a good question, why would anarcho-capitalists want to imitate a ceremony developed as an anti-capitalist expression even going so far as mentioning ‘communal’ in its principles (true evidence of commie infiltration)? The speaker tells us we have to wait for our answer, but like most Free Nut videos, one will no doubt come away with a mix of astonishment at how little sense it takes to manage to exist everyday and a feeling that your crazy anti-tax, anti-government uncle you have to bear every Thanksgiving might have secretly mutated and taken over your local government.
But that hippie Burning Man thing sure was cool amirite? Anyway, as the video shows some people trying and failing miserably to figure out how to make and use a Slip N’Slide, the speaker then goes into talking about the lovely Free Stater utopia called Grafton. Once a small town in New Hampshire populated by cranky old dairy farmers, now home to what appears to be people who like to chop weeds, wear floppy leather hippie hats (there’s that hippie thing again) and something significant we’re not told about goats in hatchbacks.
For reasons not really explained, the gentleman in the beard and long pony tail explains his latest brain-child; a Grafton Embassy. But not a big one like the one the Evil Government is building in Iraq, but a little tiny one in the town of Grafton that has suffered an influx of Free Nuts as of the past few years. Bearded man explains that this will be an outpost for Free State folks to hang out and talk Free Nut talk to an angry looking young man shown in a still picture in the video. Welcome to the Free Nut lair where you will in fact be taught to love your liberty.
Now its easy to assume that everyone understands the purpose of embassies. Everyone who didn’t skip out on ninth grade American History and Civics classes to hit the bong behind the cafeteria that is. Putting aside discussion about foreign policy and other complications, the Free Wiki Dictionary tells us:
n. pl. em·bas·sies1. A building containing the offices of an ambassador and staff.2. The position, function, or assignment of an ambassador.3. A mission to a foreign government headed by an ambassador.4. A staff of diplomatic representatives headed by an ambassador.
So what would the purpose of the Grafton embassy be pray tell? Has the Free State Project now declared itself a country? Is Grafton, or for that matter, New Hampshire aware of this development? Will Grafton cede a part of its land to the new FSPutopia so that it can build its embassy on neutral ground? The speaker tells his audience the outpost will provide a place for Free Nuts to hang out and express their Free Nuts ideas without we guess, fear of persecution from their fellow Freedom Lovers? They need a neutral territory to hide from themselves?
For those of us who’ve had the misfortune of attempting to explain foreign policy, economics or the social contract to a Free Nut, the idea of needing a refuge from themselves doesn’t actually seem all that ridiculous. Many would not doubt that the tendency to obsess about guns and a narcissistic predisposition with “liberty” might act as buddy repellent. Hence the need to make a place where there is on duty, a friendly dude (well maybe) willing to be their bud and hang out with them.
Its worth noting and someone should tell the Free Nuts that outside the Free Nut Zone of Grafton there exist places that seem eerily similar to this Free Grafton Embassy idea. Extra-Free Nutters call them ‘home’. They have living rooms, porches and kitchens for hanging out. These people invite friends over, or their friends invite them to their home. Then again with all the unregulated
gun orgasms target shooting and survivalist practice going on outside, residents in the Free State of Grafton might have trouble finding a place to hang out where they won’t get hit by a stray bullet might.
What possibly serves as the best analogy of the Free Nutter mind though was the speaker’s claim that the embassy won’t be as big as Iraq. The video
shows some wing-nut porn runs a clip of American soldiers with big guns, guarding what we’re told by a narrator is the Iraqi embassy. No, its not as big as that says the speaker, belying the hurt many men feel when they discover its only average, or in the case of the speaker’s embassy dream, really, really tiny. Its also worth nothing that embassies represent governments, get funded by governments and work to serve the interest primarily of governments. Seems a bit contrary to Free Stater ideology.
Finally let’s contrast and compare: Iraqi Embassy and the Free Nut Embassy idea; one has become a representation of grotesque American imperialism; an expression of dominance by a conquering warrior-state over its captor and the way in which the Free State Project adherents view their grandiose Imperial mission to turn New Hampshire into their Free State-topia, whether the rest of us want it or not.
Possibly the speaker has in mind another popular institution among non Free Staters; the clubhouse. You know, like the old clubs in Manchester such as the Ukranian, the Pericles or the Davignon, relics of a time when immigrants came to work in the mills and needed a refuge from Anglo-American culture, where they could share a similar culture, language and community. This might make sense if again, this existed in the extra-Free State area, but it makes little sense to have such if Grafton has indeed become their Free Nut Happy Goat Liberty Utopia Zone like the speaker claims.
So if not that, then what purpose is this embassy? Remember the shack you and your friends built in the woods behind your mom’s house where all your cool friends could hang out, drink the scotch you stole from dad’s liquor cabinet, read porn mags and talk about sex with the opposite sex.
Fun times indeed. Just remember to bring your own stash because Libertarians don’t like to feel compelled to share (its theft remember?).