Elizabeth Ropp (satire)
Or Why A Van Ostern Governorship means 80’s movie night at the State House.
The New Hampshire Union Leader alleges that the Democratic nominee for Governor, Colin Van Ostern, had a mysterious past before he moved to the Granite State. One UL investigative reporter wrote that Van Ostern didn’t go by the name “Colin Van Ostern” until moving to New Hampshire.
The Union Leader is on to something but falls short of getting at the real story. Their reporters have failed to figure out what this precocious Gen-Xer figured out within seconds of interrogation at the Jefferson Jackson dinner last fall: Colin’s real name is Colin James Spader Van Ostern.
Halfway into a glass of wine on an empty stomach, I approached the candidate.
“Excuse me, I just wanted to say that you and Molly Ringwald were awesome in Pretty in Pink. It’s like, my favorite movie.”
Pretending disbelief, Van Ostern sputtered, “Oh. Um….uh…That was creepy.”
Let’s put the facts together, and see that the truth is unavoidable.
Why else would Molly Ringwald stump for Hillary Clinton in New Hampshire, if not for her Brat Pack filmstar buddy calling in for back up.
“Hey Molls, it’s me James…I mean Colin..Anyway, it’s me. You’ve totally gotta get up here. People are seriously grossed out by Hillary Clinton’s nomination. We totally need you.”
“But James, I mean Colin, you know I voted for Bernie. Corporate oligarchy is grody to the MAX.”
“But, Molls, if Donald Trump gets elected you’ll have to gag me with a spoon!”
Who knows why the legendary actor from movies like Less than Zero and Mannequin left Hollywood to make yogurt and to pursue poltics in New Hampshire. By the way, did you know he makes yogurt? And who knows why he changed his name. Is he worried we will liken him to former California Governor, Arnold Schwartzenger?
At any rate, Spader-Van Ostern won the primary outright. Centrist Democrats and Berniecrats alike turned out to support him enmasse. He’s got some popular policy ideas. He proposes all day kindergarten, which benefits working families. He champions high speed rail, which will bring in jobs, boost the economy, and reduce fossil fuel emmissions. On the Executive Council, he restored funding to Planned Parenthood and pushed to expand Medicaid. We DO need Medicare for All, but that is another story.
Hopefully the primary race will push Spader-Van Ostern to embrace the great ideas proposed by his opponents. Steve Marchand proposed paid family leave, because that is a good family value. He also championed marijuana legalization. This is important because when every other candidate, including Spader-Van Ostern, takes The Tax Pledge, we have to find a way to bring revenue into our state. Why not pot? It’s working in Colorado and Oregon. The only other proposed alternative is casinos, which are predatory businesses that do not produce high quality jobs for any community. Lastly, Marchand stands for complete abolition of the death penalty, unlike Spader-Van Ostern, who says he favors abolishing the death penalty except for the one guy who currently sits on death row in New Hampshire.
I am sure Spader-Van Ostern is also open to Mark Connolly’s excellent ideas if we can remember what they are.
So, Colin or James or James-Colin, if you are reading this, I want to congratulate you on winning the Gubernatorial primary. If you win in November, I hope that means 80’s movie nights on the State House lawn. But, I know you are rolling your eyes and thinking “Ugh! Not her again. That girl was, is, and will always be NADA.*”
And you are so right.
* NADA is a proven acupuncture practice to help people who struggle with alcohol and opioid addiction. The NADA protocol consists of 5 acupuncture needles placed in specific points in the ear while patients rest. It can also be used to help people who suffer from PTSD, anxiety, ADHD, or simply weight loss. It was developed in 1974 as part of The People’s Drug Treatment Program as part of the Licoln Detox Center in The South Bronx.